Guilty Eyes
by w0nderfool
Summary: Lea and Darren aren't a normal couple. They do everything couples do, they watch sappy movies together, they cuddle each other to sleep and they act like they're all each other can see. But according to everyone else, Darren and Lea don't exist. Darren and Mia do. (Darren Criss/Lea Michele)
1. part one

**_part one  
><em>**

As I stood outside the dirty dive bar in down town Manhattan, I watched the fireworks exploding in the sky illuminating every centimetre of the city below, I could hear the mass hysteria coming from time square and almost feel the love and excitement in the air. New years in New York City. It can't be beaten. The feeling of unity, excitement and hope was just so over powering it makes me smile just thinking about it. And there I was in Manhattan as the ball was dropping, something I never ever thought I'd experience, and it's all thanks to Darren.

Darren. As soon as the thought flashed through my mind that he was the reason I was there in the city I immediately felt sick. I knew full well that I shouldn't be in the city for new years, I should be back home in Boston with my friends celebrating like every normal and decent human being on the planet right now.

I breathed in the cold air and took a long pull from the cigarette in my right hand. I closed my eyes and tried to let the sound of people cheering and laughing with joy fill my head to mask the guilt that was seeping it's way through my gut. Thoughts bounced around my head; I should be in Boston right now, I should not be here, what am I doing?

I couldn't shake them any more. At first they were easy to squash, I was falling so fast for him and it was easy to forget the guilty feeling when he's got his arms around you and you've never felt so safe in your 25 years of life. I was quickly jolted out of my own thoughts by the door of the dive bar I was standing outside of swing open. A couple, around my age, came falling out the door, arms around each other, placing sloppy yet sweet kisses on each other's faces, laughing and smiling, looking so wrapped up in love.

My heart ached as I watched them walk down the street in the direction of times square. My eyes were transfixed on the couple, I couldn't pull my stare away. They looked so happy, so in love. And I yearned for someone to look at me that way. I mean, Darren looks at me, but not like that. Not like all that matters is me, like I'm everything in the world to him. He just looks at me like, like the next 24 hours with me are going to be amazing, not like the next 24 years with me are going to be amazing.

I quickly realized it was a good fifteen minutes into the new year and I'd started of 2012 with a pity party, a guilty conscience and having my new years kiss with a Marlboro Light. I put the cigarette to my lips again and took another long pull, eyes still fixed down the street watching the young couple snuggle their way away, when I felt the cigarette between my lips being pulled away. I snapped my head forward, to see his face. A smug smile plastered across his perfect mouth. His perfect eyes hidden behind his big framed glasses. His perfect neck wrapped up in a woolly blue and black scarf. Fuck, he was so perfect.

"You know I don't like it when you smoke." He said to me in a low voice looking into my brown eyes that were probably a bit bloodshot due to the fact I'd been drinking earlier that night. A evil grin took over my face as I blew the cloud of smoke still in my lungs into his face. The smoke rebounded of his glasses and engulfed his curls then drifted away with the cold midnight air. The smug smile he had on his chiselled face turned to a wobbly smile, the one that makes his chin quiver, he was trying not to laugh. I laughed under my breath, loving the fact that I'd got him to break his smug 'smooth guy' act since it he wore it the majority of the time. Little moments like that what were made me fall ever so slightly deeper in the hole I found myself in, knowing I could knock his charade down for a mere moment, allowing the real Darren to peek through. And it made me wonder if she had this effect on him too.

Slowly, he leaned closer to me, placing a sweet and tantalizing kiss on my lips, making my whole body ignite. He pulled away slowly so that our lips still hung onto each other till the last moment and then whispered, "Bad girl."

I grinned cheekily and kissed him quickly again. Obviously I knew he said it because I blew smoke in his face, but I couldn't help but dissect his words and automatically find the truth in them. I was a bad girl. I was so much more than a bad girl. I was a total bitch.

As I pulled away from the second kiss, I looked over his shoulder to see a cab.

"You came by cab?" I said looking back to him. He gave me an uneasy look as if he was wondering what I was getting at, trying to figure out the connotations to my question.

"Is that a bad thing?" He said a small smile playing on his lips. Yes, it fucking was. Why couldn't he get me in his car? I knew he drove to that party in it earlier because he said he wasn't drinking. That meant his car is still at the party, meaning he had to go back to it.

"No it's fine. Obviously." I looked down at my shoes clearly avoiding his gaze, he could read me so well he'd know I was really pissed if I looked at him. I felt his hand under my chin, moving to lift my head up to look him in the face, but I quickly flicked my hair over my shoulder to avoid having to see his eyes and him see that I was annoyed and said in the most cheeriest voice I could manage, "So shall we get going? This cab's gunna cost you a fortune and I'm freezing my tits of out here."

I walked round him to get into the cab trying to rid the niggling annoyed feeling in the process as I didn't want to ruin the short amount of time I had with him now. As I got in the cab I could hear his laugh and then felt a smack to my ass. "Don't worry babe we'll warm them up soon enough." He said as he climbed in the cab behind me, that smug grin right back on his face.

* * *

><p>I lay looking up at the ceiling and listening to the faint bangs from the fireworks still going off outside and the slow and steady breathing from the man next to me. I was laying on his arm as he was playing with my hair while the other arm was tucked behind his head. Looking as suave as ever, the smug bastard. I rolled onto my side so I was facing him. I watched his chest slowly lift up and down and then moved up to his face, taking in the subtle smile on his lips, his eyelids heavy. His manic curls were sticking out at different angles and his chin was coated in scratchy stubble. In all honesty, he was magnificent. I truly was so lucky to spend just an hour with him let alone days at a time. But that wasn't enough for me, I wanted more. I couldn't keep doing this, could I?<p>

"Darren..." I said softly not knowing if he was dozing off or just completely worn out from the rampant sex we just had.

"Mmm." He replied not opening his eyes or mouth, his face barely moving at all.

"What's your new years resolution?" I asked simply. I wasn't asking to fish for compliments or get some sort of guarantee, I really did want to know, but I figured whatever he would answer would help me out with what decision I was going to make about what I was doing with my life. He opened his eyes and stared at me intently. I blinked a few times and then smiled slightly to press him for an answer. He licked his lips.

"My new years resolution is too... Make a new album, maybe get a dog, work some more with Starkid, try out for some more movies. I dunno, just to keep going and be happy. I don't really want much to change." That last sentence shocked me like a slap in the face. I didn't know whether to be happy he didn't wan anything to change, or upset because he was perfectly content in carrying on this way.

"You don't want anything to change? Really?" I asked raising my eyebrows and leaning my head on my hand, waiting for an explanation.

"No not really. I'm exceedingly happy with my life. Why would I want to change anything." He said leaning in towards me and placing a quick kiss on my nose. Nice try being sweet but that wasn't going to work this time. Normally his sweet words would numb that feeling of guilt that would bubble through me as we lay naked next to each other, cuddling as if we were the drunk couple walking down the street at new years. But this time I didn't feel the numbing sensation warm my heart, this time I just felt annoyed.

"So, what's your new years resolution babe?" He said grinning at me, looking generally interested.

I thought about it for a second. I could lie to him. Play along with the cute act and make him think that I was so pleased and happy to be lying there next to him. Or I could tell him the truth. I stared at him for a while watching his features shift on his face with anticipation whilst my mind weighed the pros and cons of telling the truth or telling more lies.

"My new years resolution. Is to, find myself a boyfriend." I watched his eyes go from interested to astounded then finally to guilty. He stared at me with a blank expression and I could practically hear him thinking of something reassuring to say to me, something he thought would have me come around to him again, words to persuade me that having a platonic relationship was good for us. Bull shit. Enough was enough.

I rolled over looking away from him, tucking myself up in the duvet, closing myself off. I felt like I'd been punched in the face, even though I was the one who did the punching, metaphorically. I love Darren. I honestly, am so in love with him. I would do anything to have him next to me every single night, I would do anything to make him breakfast in the morning before he goes to work, I would do anything to go to those events with him and talk to his friends and family. I really was so deeply in love with him.

But he wasn't in love with me. He didn't want to wake up next to me every morning or have me cook him breakfast, he didn't want me with him at events to laugh with his friends and gush over baby photo's with him mom.

He wasn't in love with me. He was in love with his girlfriend Mia.

* * *

><p><em>Umm, hey? If you're reading this I'm presuming you've read the first part of my little story, if that's true then THANK YOU! I hope you enjoyed it. So, this was originally written as a DarrenOFC thingt but after falling in love with Blainchel/Learren I've had no choice but to change it to Learren haha! I'm working on the next instalment of this fic as you read this so if you could review letting me know what you thought of this first part it'd be a great help into wait to put into future chapters! All reviews appreciate, good or bad!_

_Thanks for reading! xo_


	2. part two

_**part two  
><strong>_

My whole physical being ached. My body felt bruised and battered as if I'd just been beaten up by a group of burly men and my mind and emotions felt as if someone had stuffed them into a jar and shook them up leaving them disorientated and unsettled. I felt like I was on the verge of collapsing simply due to not having the strength any more to deal with it all. I was angry that I let it get this far, that I had let it get to the point where I felt that physically drained that opening the door to my apartment was a struggle. When I stepped into the living room, my head felt a bit heavier and my heart ached a bit more harshly as I immediately clocked the things scattered around the small cosy room that reminded me of the person that I had just walked out on. Darren.

On the sofa was his blue Dalton hoodie that he'd left here last week and hadn't taken back, the same one I myself continued to wear whenever I was lounging about the place, simply because it was so damn comfy and because it smelt like him, the latter being the more profound reason. His glasses were on the coffee table in front of the sofa, not the thick framed glasses he wears whenever he goes out in public or to events but the small flimsy pair he used to wear in college and still wears whenever he's not in front of the world's media. A few single sheets of paper dotted about which had maybe 3 or 4 lines of lyrics scribbled on them. A habit of his that he's possessed since college, writing a single sentence down whenever it would pop into his head. It happened more often than you'd think, maybe once or twice a day, he'd jump up and scribble something down then discard it with the others and maybe he'd come back to it, maybe he wouldn't. And then just tiny things that held no significance like his favourite mug of mine he would always drink from and a pair of his socks bunch up on the floor that my cat uses as a chew toy. Little things that last week didn't have any meaning but now were all small little jabs to the heart.

I sulked towards the sofa, picking up the creased Dalton hoodie and just held it for a second. Two options ran through my mind as I held the soft fabric in between my fingers. Wear it, and remember all the amazing times we had together and just let the smell of him fill my head. Or burn it, and erase every single thing that related to him that I could find hiding around the rest of my apartment whilst I was at it.

Not really having the energy or strength to decide or care, I simply threw the hoodie behind me into the hall and proceeded to curl up into a ball on the sofa. Closing my eyes and trying to clear my head of the hurt and anger I'd caused myself and Darren in the last 5 hours. I could hear a soft ringing and feel a subtle vibrating against my hip and realized my phone was ringing in my pocket. I knew who it would be. And I knew if I answered it everything I had said would fall to shit. But still, I pulled out my phone and just stared at it. Incoming Call: Darren. I stared at it as if my eyes could make him hang up ceasing the ringing noise. And when it did eventually stop I felt my heart crack just a tiny bit more.

Everything I had said to him in that hotel room I meant, honestly I meant it. But that didn't stop my eyes from stinging, threatening tears when Incoming Call changed to Missed Call. I blinked the tears back, trying so desperately to stay strong and noticed the time. 6:47 a.m. I closed my eyes and groaned, the realization I'd just spent all night and the first few precious hours of 2012 arguing with someone who held such a significant place in my life washed over me. I tried to fall asleep, hoping I could escape reality to some dream just for a few hours. But whenever I closed my eyes I was right back in that hotel room, replaying the fight over and over again.

* * *

><p>He was touching me but I couldn't feel him. He was whispering in my ear but I couldn't hear him. He was placing soft kisses to the side of my face, my neck, my shoulder and arm but they didn't smoulder like they used to. My body lay frozen and numb to him for the first time since I'd met him, and even though I lay there eyes fixed across the room while he practically hovered over my body, trying every trick in the book to have me wrapped around his finger once again, a serge of empowerment shot through me like lightning. I felt like I had the upper hand and that for once Darren wasn't the one who had control of this any more, I'd finally found some ground to stand on, I'd finally found my back bone.<p>

I rolled over onto my back looking up at him. My sudden movement startled him a bit as he leant back creating a bit more room between our faces, still looking down into my eyes. He looked desperate. Like he was holding on to whatever we were with his fingertips, trying his hardest for us not to fall to pieces. I held his gaze and watched his eyes flicker in the dim light and tried to find genuine love and compassion in them. I figured if this desperation on his face was because he thought he was losing me, that the thought of me walking out of the room and him never seeing, talking or touching me again was sending his body and emotions into overdrive then maybe I would be able to meet his fingertips and hold on to this ever so slightly too, but all I saw was guilt, panic and a hint of lust.

I pushed his shoulders back causing him to roll away from me onto his side of the bed again, his face never altering that panicked puppy dog expression, but I could see straight through it. "What is wrong with you?" I asked, the bitterness dripping from my tongue. He opened his mouth to say something back, but I didn't want to hear him. I was too high on power at this point.

"What the fuck is wrong with you Darren?" I grabbed a pillow and threw it at him. Not the best choice of weapon I know but it's the only thing I had near, and I just had to throw something at the dapper fuck.

"Babe, calm-"

"NO. I won't fucking calm down. You calm down!" I was fully aware that I was just shouting for the sake of shouting now. And Darren was fully aware too. He knows this is how I get when I'm angry, my head overflows and I just start shouting random crap; like telling him to calm down when I was clearly the one who was in more of a state.

"I am calm!" His face matched mine at this point. All screwed up and taunt, both of us mirroring this same frantic and tense expression. We knew we were fighting, we just weren't sure what or why we were doing so. Both of us didn't really know our points in this fight, let alone understand them. I stared at him for a while watching his pupils shrink and the lust evaporate from them. That's when I decided that it was time to get into this, lay all our cards on the table. That was the moment. Make or break.

"Why do you continue to pursue me when you have a girlfriend Darren?"

He blinked a few times. Then looked down at his hands on top of the sheets. Then sat upright, rising over me a few inches from my slumped position next to him. And locked eyes directly onto mine.

"Because I love you."

I'd never heard them words from him before. He'd never told me he'd loved me before. And to hear it, sent my heart through another loop on this rollercoaster ride he'd put it on. And I didn't know whether to feel happy or sad. A situation I've found myself in many a time before.

"Then why don't you break up with Mia?" I asked, my voice still strong. I didn't want to tell him I loved him back because I didn't want us to be on the same level, both confessing love for each other then both equal in the relationship. I wanted to have all the cards in my hand for the mean time, I wanted Darren to be the vulnerable one for once. Anyway I'm pretty sure he knew all ready, I've been anything but subtle.

"Because..." He paused, his mouth quivered as he broke eye contact. He looked around the room, almost uncomfortable in the conversation, then settled on my face again. "I love her too."

That was punch number one. A sharp and crushing punch to my gut, making my head fall and my eyes fill with tears. His words like knives had cut me open and I wasn't feeling as empowered as I did when I initiated the argument. I know he loves her though, that's the thing. I've know since the first time I saw them together. But that's it you see. I saw that he loved her, I had never heard him say he loved her, confessed to his feelings for her. And even though an action or a look can speak volumes compared to words, Darren saying those three little words out loud, well like I said, It felt like a punch to the stomach making me want to vomit.

"Great." I breathed out, barely loud enough for him to hear me. I didn't want to fight for this any more, not after he said he loves her. I felt like I was fighting in a battle all ready won. If he still loves Mia then that's it, I can't force him to fall out of love with her. Game over.

I clambered of the bed and started to put my clothes back on, my frantic actions paralleling with my emotions. As I was bending down to pull up my jeans I heard the sheets rustling behind me and could feel Darren's presence stalking closer to me as if I was being engulfed in a thick fog that when surround by I'd lose my way. That's how he makes me feel, so deep in this pit of love for him that whenever he's around me it's like the world melts away and all I see, hear and feel is him. It fucking sucks!

I spun around and I was right. He was stepping over to me quickly with that same panicking puppy face plastered on as he adjusted the elastic of his boxer briefs. He reached out to me and placed a hand on my arm then swiftly stroked up and over landing on my shoulder blade. I felt him close our bodies together in a gentle and wanting embrace and waited for the feeling that always followed these moments, the one where I feel as though I'm moulding into him and his arms wrapped around me act like barriers keeping out the nasty, cruel world and locking me in my own personal revelry. But that feeling didn't come. It was just me standing there, with my arms by my side and Darren holding onto me and suddenly I realized why the feeling didn't come. The guilt had taken over, I have nothing left to feel but guilt.

I was about to push him away, tell him that I couldn't do this any more, not while he was continuing to stay with Mia. But then I heard it. A faint snuffle. A sort of sniffing noise mixed with a tiny whine and a few mumbled words. At first I just thought he was begging, begging me to stay or to reconsidered and that made me want to push him away all the same, but then I felt something. Two drops between my neck and shoulder blade and proceeding to run down my bare back. He was crying. Darren was literally, crying on my shoulder. And before I even had time to really register the significance of his actions my arms were around his neck hugging him back as though he was about to shatter in my arms. And it was kind of like he was, the sniffling and heavy breaths were loud and his face was buried in my neck, and this Darren was just so foreign to me. Suave, dapper Darren, the guy who would walk into a room and have girls fall to their knees just with his charm and good looks was crying on my shoulder because I was about to leave him in a hotel room alone on New Years. All of a sudden I felt pressured to be the stronger one in the room as Darren quickly broke down in front of me, but honestly, I really didn't know how I was going to do that when I felt as though my whole life's happiness had been ripped away from me minutes ago. The pressure of being strong only grew when Darren pulled back and started freaking out before me.

"You don't understand Lea, I just.. I can't you He sniffed again, his eyes so wet that a few of his eyelashes had stuck together. "You can't just walk out of here and leave me behind. You can't. I won't- I won't fucking let you" The last three words of his rant came out as a strangled breath as he released the air he was holding in his lungs, unbeknownst to me. "I love you Lea god damn it, isn't that enough to keep you here. Why? What... Please Lee don't do this, just think about it, I I all ready knew that this freak out session would be never ending if I didn't stop him myself and force the guy to just breathe for a second.

I placed a hand firmly on his cheek holding his head still and the other I placed across his mouth so his lips stayed closed beneath my palm. I looked into his big glassy eyes and felt his deep breathing through his nose against the side of my hand. He looked like he was having a panic attack, and I wouldn't be surprised if he was having one. But honestly, I couldn't help but think that the roles should be reversed, that I should be the one freaking out and not him. After all, he was the one with the girlfriend. I waited till his breathing became stable before removing my hand from his mouth and placing it on the other side of his face, holding him steady and dead bolting our eyes together.

"Lea look-"

"Darren! Shut up." I interrupted abruptly. I needed him to hear what I had to say.

"I can't. This whole thing is just, it's gotten to sour. It's not, thrilling and adventurous any more. It's dirty and it's wrong." My voice was cracking and my eyes were getting blurry from the tears I had no control over any more. "You have a girlfriend! A girlfriend who's at some party right now wondering where the hell you are. And I can't. I can't keep living with this guilt fostering away inside me, it's just ruining me!" Tears started freely falling down my cheeks, and a few slide down his face also, the truth hitting him like I hoped it would. "And I wish I could just ignore it, because... I love you too Darren I do and I would do absolutely anything to be with you completely but I can't because your Mia's. You're not mine."

That was punch number two. And surprisingly it was not even meant for me. I wanted them last three words to hit Darren in a way that would make him reconsidered what the fuck he was doing with me and with Mia. But instead it just drilled a littler deeper into my own heart which wasn't my initial intention at all. I looked down at the ground blinking the tears away, a few of them dropping to floor. I noticed then that Darren had his hands tightly gripped around my hips keeping me a good 2 inches away from him, I was surprised I didn't notice his touch sooner. I looked back up to his face. His cheeks were puffy and wet with tears and I brushed a few of them away with my thumbs, hands still holding his face in my direction. I took a deep breath and carried on.

"And as long she has you baby, I can't continue this." He let out a strangled sob like breath at this and my heart was now officially in two pieces. "I'm sorry Darren. I love you so much, but I'm not the only girl who loves you and that's the problem. I just, I need you completely, or not at all."

Well at this point Darren and I were both equally emotional wrecks. I was breathing deeply trying to calm my nerves and blink profusely trying to rid the ongoing tears while Darren's head felt slumped in my hands as it fell forward, his eyes now looking at the ground and not at me and his shoulders were shaking from the deep cries. I could see that he didn't have much fight left in him, no fight to battle his feelings for Mia and I and no fight left in his bones to keep him upright any more. He kept falling forward until his head was on my shoulder and his chest leant into mine, I could feel his entire body vibrate with the bone chilling silent sobs he was emitting. I felt relief for finally lifting the weight of our relationship of my shoulders but I felt hopeless as to what to do with the broken man against me. I held him close and lowered us to the floor, nestling him in arms, cradling him like an infant. And that was when it hit me that underneath it all, the dapper charm and the sultry voice that the interviewers and paparazzi saw wasn't really Darren at all. Darren was just a guy, a geeky guy who watches Lord Of The Rings in his spare time and has such a big, romantic and careless heart he managed to fall for two women at the same time. Darren wasn't a total dick for doing this to Mia or myself, otherwise he would not of reacted this way.

"Just tell me what you want me to do." His voice was barely above a whisper. A spluttering breathy mess of words spoken softly into the crook of my neck. I brushed my hand through his curls in a comforting way and he lifted his head up and rested his forehead against mine. His golden eyes didn't look so golden any more as his pupils had diluted so much that his eyes were almost completely black. He licked his lips then sucked the bottom one back into his mouth biting it gently. "Just. Whatever you want. Tell me. Tell me what I need to do to make this better and I'll do it. I'll do it Lea."

His voice was steady now, it was clear that he'd gained some composure and calmed himself down. The fact that he asked what he could do to make it better gave me a slight glimmer of hope, that maybe by some miracle me and him would still be able to kiss and hug and say all the cute things people say to the person they love. Maybe by some miracle Darren would make this better, he would fix this and everything will feel right and not so dirty any more. Maybe we'll be just another drunk couple on New Years or any other event, deliciously indulging in love.

"You want to make this better?" I asked.

"More than anything."

"Then you need to choose." There was no use beating around the bush to spare his feelings or going into a full blown elaborate plan to make this right. He had to choose, me or Mia, that was the only way.

Darren let out another strangled breath against my face then nodded. He knew that's what had to be done if he really wanted things to change. I felt his hands clasp around mine then felt him interlock our fingers and then his lips press sweetly to my forehead, then nose, then finally on my lips. It was the softest most precious kiss we'd ever shared. His lips tastes salty from tears and his bottom lip was puffy and swollen from where'd he'd been biting it. There was no angle for him to deepen the kiss, there was no tongue running over my lips begging for entrance, there was no hands grabbing hair or caressing bodies. It was just his lips on mine and my hands in his. Probably the only sweet and innocent act we'd participating in since meeting each other. I slowly broke away by leaning back and standing up from the floor. Darren sat rigid in place, his eyes closed and his head in the exact position it was in before I stood up as if if he moved an inch the feeling of my lips on his would be lost forever. I hurriedly put the remainder of my clothes on, wanting to get out of the stuffy room quickly before I fell back in all over again with him and as I was about to leave the room I took a final look at Darren.

His legs were crossed and his head was in his hands and the duvet was off the bed and now wrapped around him. He looked so tiny and juvenile a sudden wave of mothering instinct washed over me and I got the sudden urge to just pick his broken body up and put him to bed. But I had to ignore the urges. If I didn't we'd be right back to square one and I was determined to walk away from him for once. I walked over and leant down in front of him placing a hand on his shoulder, the other running through his curls. The feel of them tangling and wrapping around my fingers made my stomach drop as that had now become one of my favourite feelings, and the thought of never getting to feel that again made me wobble slightly. I leant down and pressed a loving kiss to the top of his head, trying to provide him with some comfort before leaving. I took a deep breath and said the two words that caused the final punch to the gut, knocking the air out of me and making me feel like I was going to crumple and join Darren on the hotel room floor.

"Goodbye Darren." And with that, I stood up and walked out. Leaving a broken Darren behind and walking away with a broken heart.

* * *

><p><em>So this is the last part of this little story. I really was considering taken it further, but I thought if I was to continue this DarrenLea story it would be an entirely new and much larger story, so adding on to Guilty Eyes wouldn't make sense to me, I'd want to make the story stand alone. So for now Learren is a closed book. But anyway, thank you to everyone who favourited, review and read the story. I sincerely hope you enjoyed it._


End file.
